(Canada) Ltd.

The Whole Truth

By Kenneth Betts

September 2002

“Come on, out with it!  I want the whole truth!”  I’ve heard it said many times and maybe you have too.  Parents, teachers, and judges want the “whole truth.”  We all want to know “what’s really happening?”  If only we knew, we could make better decisions, life would work better, we’d be happier, …

A number of years ago an American friend of mine and I joined a volunteer basketball club.  Every Friday, we went to the arena to play for a few hours.  It was a lot of fun and a nice change of pace from my desk job.  My friend was very concerned that everyone have the opportunity to be involved, and so he kept a mental record of who was there at each game.  After some weeks he noticed that one of the local residents who had been coming was not there a couple weeks in a row.  Out of concern, he requested that the organizer, also one of the players and a co-worker with my friend the American, make a special call to remind and invite this fellow to come out the next week.

But, the next week the same fellow was missing again.  So, my friend asked the organizer, “Did you phone him as I requested you too?”  It was obvious that my friend was uptight.  And, the organizer did not want to jeopardize the working relationship.  But, he had not called the absent player.  He and others felt that the absent player detracted from the game and general atmosphere and were just as happy that he had dropped out.  In reply to the American, he stated, “Of course I did.  He just didn’t come.”

This scene was repeated two weeks in a row.  Then the American decided to contact the missing player himself.  By which he determined that he had not been contacted at all.  And the stage was set for a good, all out show down.  My Arab friends were miffed by the American’s pushiness that resulted in three sets of damaged relationships.  And my American friend was ticked that his co-workers couldn’t be trusted to tell the truth about such a simple matter as a phone call. 

Perhaps it is helpful to ponder the question posed by that historical figure, Pontius Pilate.  “What is truth?”  For many people of European origin, the answer seems quite simple, “Its the facts.”  But, when we stop to really think about it, we know that the “facts” can be quite misleading in the skillful hands of deceitful a statistician, lawyer, accountant, …  Those who wish to “trick us with the facts” can make use of our assumptions, our learned ways of interpreting what is said.  They can use it to strongly influence what conclusions we come to just by the way the “facts” are presented. 

Communication theory helps us understand that what is said is often quite different than what is heard.  The reason for this is that our marvellous brains interpret every thing for us.  That process of interpretation is trained by our experiences.  As a result, it is possible to have a great variety of interpretations that result from different brains reacting to the same inputs.  When considering the tremendous variety of the human race, it’s many cultures and contexts, we realize the vast potential for a variety for interpretations.

So, we must look beyond “just the facts” to find the truth.  We need to find accurate facts, along with right relationship, and including a proper perspective.  A challenging task, to say the least.  It is a task that requires not just an examination of data to arrive at facts, but also a spiritual and social quest for things right and proper. 

Getting back to my American friend and the basketball organizer, what they really needed was some training in cross cultural conflict management.  Both of them had the opportunity, but not the skills, to have avoided the final show down.  But, even more importantly, they could have avoided the demeaning of each other.

Here are some issues that you should consider when ever you think you have discovered that you have been lied to by a co-worker from an other culture.

·         Is there a symbolic meaning to what is being said?   Many cultures, like the Bedouin, are highly symbolic.  Much of what is said should not be taken literally.  The speaker will assume that the symbolic meaning is understood.  In my own host culture, the question “Where have you been for so long?”  is intended to give the listener a water mark of the value the speaker places on our relationship.  When I hear that used phrase after an absence of only a couple of days, I know that the relationship is highly valued.  When the phrase is avoided after an absence of several months, I know what that means too!

·         Is the problem the result of a different way of counting or dividing things up?  My neighbors consider that a boy born in January of 1992 is 11 years old in February of 2002.  For Canadians, he’s not 11 until after his birthday in January of 2003.  My Arab friends consider my neighbor’s house to be ‘red’ but for my Canadian friends it is quite ‘brown.’

·         Is there a conflict between the facts and certain relationships?  That was the problem in the basketball club.  Sometimes, it might be best to ignore certain facts for the sake of the relationships.  At other times it may be better to shift the focus to the relationship issues first.  In some cases, that may clear the way to deal with the facts later, if that is still important.

·         Are certain religious or cultural values being challenged?  Religious and cultural values are held very dearly by most cultures.  Yet, most people find it difficult to explain those values clearly.  Some polite and sensitive questions may lead to discovery of whole new areas of your co-worker’s culture.

If you have eliminated the above four issues, and still feel that you really are being lied too, here are some things you should do:

·         Affirm the value of the relationship and your commitment to it.

·         Politely point out your need for accurate information and the problems caused by misinformation.

·         Avoid blaming, belittling, threatening and dominating.  These only increase the felt need to lie.

·         Talk to more people from the other person’s same cultural background to see if they feel lied to by that person.  Get some ideas from them.

·         Be willing to accept that what you think you clearly understood, may not be so simple or straightforward when looked at from an other cultural point of view.

So, get out of parent, teacher or judge mode, put on your student clothes and get ready to learn.  Accurate facts, along with right relationship, and including a proper perspective will take a while to put together.  But in the end, you’ll not just be right, you’ll be more respected and a lot wiser too.

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